Wish Me Tonight. Not. // That night before your birthday

An individual is once again, ‘Caught in a Mosh’ – as we close in on the much awaited day, with our digital life being spammed with everyday reminders and special offer emails. We’ve been told that it is a mandate to celebrate the day, that some of us were scissored out into this world. Also this ought to be done with family, friends, acquaintances et cetera in a cliched wine and dine format. (its the least depressing out of all other formats). All sorts of preparations happening, with people discussing gifts and hinting at something unique for which they put their brains (for a change) and efforts, trying to hit that metaphorical G Spot in an individual. (In most cases, nothing except for books appeals to me.) The ‘Friends’ out of all these people are the ones who seem to be more excited than one might be. (There’s no might)

Also as we grow older, a certain importance is given to the hyped moment of 12am i.e the night before the birthday, or rather the birthday itself. We witness 12AM surprise visits, 12AM calls and a shit load of text messages from a group named – ‘Happy Birthday <Cunt>’. Such messages are supposed to make you feel happy. While we’re on this, the most absurd part of the whole 12AM moment are the phone calls. These start with a ‘Haaaapy Buddaaayyyyy’ which get an instant reply of a ‘Thank You’ after which it’s just raw/plain/straight up SMALL TALK. “What are you doing?” is what comes next. “Farting rainbows you chut”, what else would I be doing at 12AM in the night?

Then there’s the type of people who are good at small talk and manage to keep you on the phone for almost half an hour. Whilst you are making small talk on the phone at 12AM in the night, there’s another set of people jamming the mobile phone networks simultaneously and cursing the person on the call at that moment. Oh! Don’t forget the person who’s tried the utmost level of permutation and combination in order to get through as the first wisher. In a distinctive situation, where there are two individuals (mostly your love interest and your best friend) wanting to wish you first, and you happened to receive the other one’s call first – YOU’RE DEAD.

Now I don’t get why the person is to be blamed for having to attend the first call, in addition to which, has to explain how it absolutely doesn’t matter and shouldn’t matter. In this race (to probably witch-mountain) the wishers forget that ‘Hey, its a birthday, and the individual shouldn’t have to be answering to YOU in a courtroom at 12AM in the night’. If you feel the person is a dear one, Call up – It doesn’t have to be at 12AM. Now, coming to all those wishes on various digital platforms, NOBODY CARES!. Those wishes are only as valuable as the free ‘Happy Birthday’ tag that you get on the cake, or even that stupid candle you light for a moment and put off at the very next moment. Don’t do it just because Facebook reminded you about it, do it only if you want to do it for real. (and only if you know him, when it comes to Facebook). Lastly do not ever do a HBD while wishing. Instead, save that energy and spend it more productively, maybe like when you’re jerking off the next time.

“Birthdays are for the weak” – Frank Underwood.

This article was previously published on thevomit.in